yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
