He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
