sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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