I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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