so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
