I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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