Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
