i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
