Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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