I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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