Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
