When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I AM VODKA MAN
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
