She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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