I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
whose parrot is this?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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