She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
