she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
