you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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