why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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