My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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