My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
