Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
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