Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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