I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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