Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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