I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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