I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
if only i could text you this smell
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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