I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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