What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just high enough for therapy.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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