I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
