walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
