My hair reeks of homosexuality.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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