I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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