I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
