My friends, they love my intelligence
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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