who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
