I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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