thus making me awesome and them whores
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
