It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
