A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
In other news, I just burned my penis
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
