She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
