omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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