She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
