watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize