normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
