If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
