I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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