I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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