I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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