I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
