thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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