i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
