Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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