In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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