There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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