very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
