I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
