hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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