I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
