I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she pinky promised me she was 18
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize