his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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