So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
